


Starburst

by Phoenix_Soar



Category: Shinhwa
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Feels, Eventual Fluff, M/M, Romance, Sensuality, Soulmates, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 00:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6350842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Soar/pseuds/Phoenix_Soar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the single most mystifying and terrifying moment of his life – and that is how he will always remember the first time he met his soulmate in this world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> My entry for the Shinhwa 18th Anniversary One-Shots @ AFF
> 
> This fic incorporates the theme of soulmates (and a hint at the multi-universe theory) into Shinhwa canon. It was originally intended to be a ~5k one-shot, but atypically, the entire thing blew out of proportion and I ended up with this huge monster. 
> 
> The story is told mostly through emotions set within a smattering of canonical situations. Speaking of which, quick warning that though this story is set in canon, I butchered a lot of their past events to fit my own whims. ^_^ Also, I didn’t go completely in-depth into the details of these events, focussing more on the main character’s emotional reaction to them.
> 
> The artwork for this fic was created by the wonderful Manunulat @ AFF

 

The visions begin soon after they first meet.  
  
The _stirrings_ , however, begin the moment their eyes meet – and he has never been less prepared for something so unsettling in his life.  
  
The very air between them awakens, trembling with a resonance that echoes from him to the tall stranger approaching them. Something rouses inside him, deep in a place he never knew existed, and it sears and freezes his soul.  
  
The stranger stops in front of them. He looks around at the five waiting boys and attempts a smile - and that is all it takes to rip away the fabric of the physical world. It is as if he and this boy have been thrust amidst stars that swirl and dance in a radiance of distorted colours around them, and he does not even know the stranger’s name.  
  
The stranger finally speaks, jarring him out of that vortex of starbursts and riotous sensations.  
  
With a respectful bow, he introduces himself, “My name is Park Choongjae. I look forward to working with you in Shinhwa…”  
  
The rest of his words fade away, leaving only two words hanging in the air.  
  
_Park Choongjae._  
  
The name rings in his ears, fills his lungs, pulls at that unknown awakening inside him with insubstantial tendrils until he has to force himself to breathe.  
  
He has never heard that name before – never met this boy before – but in that moment, he just _knows_ that this boy is no stranger.  
  
He knows him as surely as he knows his own name.  
  
Yet, he does not. He _does_ , but … he does not, either.  
  
It is the single most mystifying and terrifying moment of his life – and that is how Lee Sunho will always remember the first time he met his soulmate in this world.  


~***~  


When it his turn to greet the new boy, Sunho is so caught up in how his entire world has been tipped on its axis that he stumbles over his own name.  
  
Choongjae’s lips twitch at Sunho’s stammer while the rest of Shinhwa snickers at him in amusement. Dongwan nudges him with his shoulder, chuckling, ‘Yah, what’s up with you?’  
  
Sunho says nothing. He stares at Choongjae for a long moment, memorising the good humour in his warm brown eyes, the genial quirk of his mouth and the unreserved friendliness on his face without quite realising it.  
  
The sensation inside his chest flares, almost tangible in its intensity, and Sunho has to look away.  
  
He does not meet Choongjae’s eyes for the rest of their conversation, even when it is his turn to speak. It is rude, especially as Park Choongjae is older than him, but Sunho does not dare.  
  
He is afraid to see what he saw in his eyes before.  
  
And that is how their “friendship” – for lack of a better term – begins: awkward and rocky, to continue for several years into the future.  
  
In hindsight, Sunho will come to regret that shaky beginning.  
  
But right now, he is too out of his depth to realise what is happening and how its repercussions will echo in the future.  


~***~  


The feelings do not fade away as the days begin to slip and blur together. If anything, they seem to grow only stronger.  
  
With Park Choongjae signed on as the final member of Shinhwa, Sunho sees him every day. The meetings at the agency, the vocal and dance trainings, and the fact that Shinhwa shares a dormitory – Sunho is continuously forced into Choongjae’s company and he experiences the same surreal sensations every minute of it.  
  
The most prominent is the feeling of Choongjae and him existing alone on another plane together, cocooned in an Elysian embrace of starbursts and lights – he cannot explain the feeling nor escape it.  
  
He wishes he can. He wants to get away from Choongjae so badly it is almost a physical ache. But there is another emotion, just as confusing, that battles his impulse to run away.  
  
It is the inherent urge to be closer to Choongjae, to speak to him, to know his every thought and touch him just to feel the heat of his blood pulsing beneath his pale skin.  
  
That urge … he is wary of calling it “desire”. He first assumes that is simply because he does not want to imagine what that will bode for Shinhwa’s future. To desire a member of his group … it will not end well; it is unthinkable.  
  
But then the _visions_ begin.  
  
And Sunho realises slowly that he cannot call the feeling “desire” because it is not merely that. It is so much more – more than anything he can comprehend or is ready for.  


~***~  


They make no sense at first, the visions. They creep into his consciousness in the darkest hours of night and he mistakes them for dreams.  
  
_~The boy with the warm brown eyes smiles at him from across a room full of bustling boys in school uniforms, staring at him as if there is nothing and no one else there except the two of them…~  
  
~He bumps into a boy on the pavement. Both of them mumble hasty apologies, glancing at each other without any recognition as they hurry on their opposite ways. A minute later, he notices the uneasy feeling in his gut, like he has just missed something important, crucial, but he cannot tell what it is. He turns around, but the stranger has already disappeared into the crowds…~  
  
~The tightening feeling in his chest intensifies as he waits for the boy to respond, still holding onto his shoulders. ‘Please,’ he whispers, ‘please, remember…’ It takes a long, agonising moment for the boy to finally smile, meeting his eyes. ‘I remember,’ the boy whispers back and leans in close…_  
  
And so they continue, long and relentless, until Sunho realises they are not ordinary dreams. They do not feel connected to each other, but rather disjointed, like pieces from different puzzles trying to fit together. Bits and pieces of surreal imagery that feel as chaotic as they are familiar to him, like foggy memories long forgotten.  
  
And they are always about him and Choongjae.  
  
There is no question that “the boy” he sees is Choongjae, but in the visions, he never identifies the boy with that name. He does not identify himself as Sunho, either.  
  
‘It’s as if we have different names in them,’ he murmurs to himself one day. ‘Like we are the same people, but with different identities.’  
  
He does not know what that means.  
  
Sunho spends months trying to figure out what the visions mean.  
  
_~‘I know you’re out there somewhere,’ he mutters to a dark winter sky. ‘I just wish I knew where …’ He closes his eyes, feeling tears burn behind his eyelids. ‘Please … please … I just want to stop missing someone I haven’t even met …’~  
  
~They are laughing and out of breath as they collapse to the floor, surrounded by haphazardly thrown pillows. The boy’s eyes are warm and soft when their eyes meet. It makes his heart leap, makes him wonder if his wait is over, if now is the time…~  
  
~There are hands buried in his hair and hot breath on his neck. ‘Y-you don’t know … how long … I’ve waited … for you … to realise,’ says the boy in a trembling voice, breathing the words in between searing kisses to his neck. ‘I’m sorry,’ he tells the boy, just as breathless, ‘for taking so long. How could I not recognise you…?’ He grasps the boy’s face with both hands and kisses him fiercely…~_  
  
The visions of him and Choongjae being _intimate_ start a couple of months later. The first day he wakes up from it, he cannot even look at Choongjae, much less talk to him. He spends the majority of his schedule avoiding the older boy as much as possible, hoping this one day will be the end of it.  
  
Of course it is not.  
  
Similar visions visit him in his dreams sporadically. Nor two are the same, but it fills Sunho with the same mixed feelings of guilt and _longing_ , whenever he sees Choongjae afterwards.  
  
The longing is the worst. From the moment they had met, Sunho has been experiencing the strange urge to be close to Choongjae, to know him and be with him … but this physical _longing_ , almost bordering on lust, unsettles him unlike any other feeling.  
  
He is yearning for a boy he barely knows without even knowing why. It escapes sense and reason, and Sunho bottles it up the only way he knows how – avoiding the object of his distress: Choongjae.  


~***~  


It creates a rift between them, gaping and prominent. He had already been on uneasy terms with Choongjae, but on the days he cuts himself off from the other boy entirely to avoid those feelings … it becomes glaringly noticeable, even to the other members.  
  
It is not Shinhwa’s type to meddle deeply into affairs that do not involve the entire group. Only a few members address the issue between Sunho and Choongjae, and that, too, only in private to both of them.  
  
When Eric asks him about it for the first time and calls him ‘Jason’, Sunho winces with guilt but tries to give a credible answer.  
  
‘It’s a misunderstanding, hyung,’ he says. ‘I’m not avoiding Choongjae hyung, it’s just … we’re very different. I’m not sure what to say to him most of the time.’  
  
His excuse is only a mere trace of the truth and it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.  
  
‘Is it that … you hate him?’ asks Eric slowly.  
  
Sunho is shocked. ‘No, of course not!’ he exclaims, and it is the truest thing he has ever said about Choongjae. His troubling feelings for the older boy is something beyond control and reason, but it is far from hatred.  
  
‘Of course, I don’t hate him…’  
  
Eric finally lets the issue go only with the gentle advice that they should try to spend some time together and reach an understanding.  
  
Sunho has no choice but to agree. ‘I’ll try, hyung.’  
  
The next time he sees Choongjae, the older boy blanches when their eyes meet and he looks away quickly. Sunho sees him exchange a glance with Pilkyo, who looks deeply concerned, and he immediately realises that a talk, similar to what had transpired between him and Eric, must have taken place between Pilkyo and Choongjae too.  
  
In that moment, he sees the cracks between him and Choongjae; the cracks in _Shinhwa_ that he is causing, and he is suddenly horrified at himself.  
  
Shinhwa and their future are more important than the unspoken cosmic entanglement between him and Choongjae. Shinhwa is more important than the visions that haunt him and the boy who torments him without even knowing.  
  
Shinhwa, the culmination of their hopes and dreams, is above all that.  
  
It is then that he quietly resolves to fix the damage he has caused.  


~***~  


The first time Sunho takes the initiative to address Choongjae directly is at a time Shinhwa are all gathered together, eating an improvised dinner at their dorm.  
  
‘Hyung, please pass the soy sauce,’ he says to Choongjae, quietly and nonchalantly, across their dining table.  
  
The reaction to the simple request is deafening in its silence as everyone pauses in various states of eating, to stare at Sunho as if he has just announced the apocalypse.  
  
It is not entirely unexpected, the members’ shock. So he ignores it entirely and holds Choongjae’s gaze calmly.  
  
Choongjae looks almost shaken that Sunho is actually speaking to him, but he recovers fast enough.  
  
‘Here…’ He holds out the bottle.  
  
‘Thanks, hyung’ says Sunho as easily as he would say it to any other member, and, for the first time in what seems like forever, Choongjae smiles genuinely at him. It is as if Sunho’s simple words have wiped away months of silent suffocating tension between them.  
  
Sunho’s answering smile is not entirely honest; inside, he is still struggling with the tangled connection he feels with Choongjae. But it is still a smile and Choongjae looks pleasantly surprised.  
  
Returning to his dinner with his lips still forced up, Sunho thinks that maybe he can get used to it.  
  
Fixing the awkward atmosphere he has caused within Shinhwa because of Choongjae does not seem so hard after all.  


~***~  


There is a catch to it, as there always is.  
  
Fixing things and acting normal are not so hard … that is, when he and Choongjae are with Shinhwa together.  
  
They can go with the flow of conversation without feeling odd about it when they are talking amongst Shinhwa. Sunho can take the initiative to speak to Choongjae when they are chatting together as Shinhwa. Choongjae can tease Sunho when Shinhwa gang up on teasing Sunho together.  
  
With Shinhwa, it is not so hard.  
  
With the two of them alone together, though, it is a different story …  
  
It happens on a rare off day when both of them arrive at the agency’s dance practice room at the same time.  
  
Sunho freezes from where he is tying his shoelaces when Choongjae walks into the room, a sports bag slung lazily on his shoulder. Choongjae stops, too, and stares at him in surprise.  
  
‘I thought the practice room was free until tonight,’ he begins.  
  
Sunho has to take a moment to breathe. ‘I was told that, too,’ he finally returns lamely. He tries to quell the usual butterflies that have begun fluttering in his gut the moment he laid eyes on his colleague.  
  
Choongjae pauses. ‘Free day for you, too?’  
  
‘Yeah.’  
  
‘No other plans?’  
  
‘Thought of practising the harder choreo more,’ replies Sunho, returning to his shoelaces with an effort. His fingers are suddenly clumsy, unable to form proper loops and slipping.  
  
‘Me, too,’ Choongjae says with surprising enthusiasm. Hurrying forward, he says brightly, ‘Hey, wanna do it together? We can help each other out with the difficult steps.’  
  
Sunho just nods for lack of a better response. He secretly thinks to himself that Choongjae, with his level of talent, certainly does not require Sunho’s help in dancing.  
  
When the music begins and they fall into the rhythm together, Sunho tells himself to ignore the usual cosmic pull he feels towards Choongjae and just focus on the dance. And for the first half hour it works, with the music filling in the silence that masquerades as peace between them.  
  
For that short amount of time, Sunho almost believes that he can get used to this; that he can spend years putting on this façade of being comfortable alone with Park Choongjae.  
  
But then Choongjae suddenly says, ‘Your stance is off, Sunho-yah,’ and, before Sunho can react, Choongjae is right behind him, one hand pressing down on Sunho’s left shoulder and the other grasping his hip.  
  
Sunho stops breathing.  
  
Choongjae is speaking softly, his voice almost in Sunho’s ear and just audible over the music, ‘Go a bit lower and turn your waist a bit to the left.’ His hands pull and push gently, guiding Sunho’s limbs and body to the correct pose.  
  
‘There, that’s better,’ says Choongjae.  
  
There is a pause and Sunho exhales very slowly, waiting for Choongjae to move away. Five seconds pass, and then ten, and suddenly Choongjae is tilting his head so that it is almost resting on Sunho’s right shoulder. His hands still on Sunho’s body, Choongjae peers over his shoulder and eyes him critically in the mirrored wall they are facing.  
  
‘You hunch your shoulders sometimes when you dance,’ he comments and Sunho almost shivers as his voice rumbles deep and low in his ear. ‘That can strain your muscles and constrain movement. Try to relax.’ The hand on Sunho’s other shoulder makes a massaging movement in encouragement and Sunho, hardly daring to breathe, forces his body into obliging.  
  
‘Hunching also affects your posture,’ Choongjae continues, still speaking almost directly in his ear. ‘Once you relax your shoulders, always keep your back straight and stomach in.’  
  
This time, Choongjae does not wait for Sunho to follow his instructions on his own. He slides his left hand from Sunho’s shoulder to rest between his shoulder blades before dragging it down his spine in a firm caress, forcing Sunho to straighten. Sunho has barely registered what happened before Choongjae’s right hand, resting on his hip, lightly winds around him. His hand comes to rest on Sunho’s abs where he gently presses.  
  
A long moment passes. Then Choongjae smiles and says lightly, ‘See, your posture is already much better.’  
  
Sunho remains frozen, his heart pounding so hard he is afraid Choongjae can hear it. Trying to control his shallow breaths, he waits again for Choongjae to move away, but the older boy says instead, his voice very soft,  
  
‘You know, I’ve seen you dance and you’re a really good dancer already.’  
  
He pauses and their eyes meet in the mirror for the first time and it is as if time has stopped. Sunho stares at him, at the gentle quirk of his lips and his warm brown eyes gazing back at him, and feels his mouth go dry. He is too aware of Choongjae’s body just inches behind him, feels the waves of heat rolling off him and the firm press of Choongjae’s hands on his lower back and stomach, and he just –  
  
He realises what he is doing only after it happens. He sees Choongjae’s eyes widen in the mirror, lips parting in surprise, and Sunho leaps away from Choongjae as if he has been electrocuted.  
  
Tense and rigid, he berates himself angrily for losing control over himself, for giving into that magnetic pull and leaning back against Choongjae’s body, for touching his hand resting on his stomach and –  
  
It could have been worse, he tells himself, avoiding Choongjae’s eyes. He could have done something completely irrevocable.  
  
Like turning around, pushing Choongjae up against the wall and –  
  
He forcibly crashes that train of thought, face burning. That is only one of the several unwholesome desires that had come to mind with Choongjae touching and staring at him like that, and they are certainly not things he wants to revisit.  
  
‘Sunho…’ Choongjae begins cautiously, still gaping at him.  
  
Sunho cannot blame his reaction. Of everyone in Shinhwa, Sunho is the only one who has never done bold skinship or fanservice with Choongjae yet. What he has just done moments ago must have been as alarming as it was unexpected.  
  
‘Thanks for helping me, hyung,’ Sunho says before Choongjae can follow up with an uncomfortable question that Sunho cannot provide an answer for. ‘I didn’t realise I was messing up my posture before.’  
  
‘Uh … no problem,’ replies Choongjae, still looking at him oddly.  
  
‘I’ll try to do better from now on,’ he continues to ramble, now making for his sports bag so he can get away before he does anything more stupid.  
  
Choongjae follows him to the back of the practice room slowly, much to Sunho’s anxiety.  
  
‘I was just giving some pointers, not being your instructor, you know,’ he says.  
  
Sunho is uncomfortably aware of how Choongjae’s eyes and tone are still not entirely normal. Clearly Sunho has crossed an invisible line with the way he touched Choongjae just now and the older boy is not brushing it off easily like he has hoped.  
  
‘Yeah, yeah,’ he replies a beat too late. ‘But now I know what to look out for, so thanks again, hyung.’  
  
Choongjae pauses in front of him when Sunho sits down to strip off his shoes and socks.  
  
‘You’re leaving already?’  
  
‘Um, yeah.’  
  
‘It hasn’t even been an hour yet…’  
  
‘I just … I just remembered I have to meet someone,’ Sunho rambles, stuffing his belongings into his bag and quickly slinging it over his shoulder. ‘Guess I’m not as free as I thought. So – er, yeah, I’m just gonna go.’  
  
His blatant lie hangs heavily in the air between them and Sunho almost runs out of the practice room. Heart wild and breath short, he does not calm down until he enters his room at Shinhwa’s dorm, where he slides down against his closed bedroom door.  
  
He thinks back to the dance practice room, how he pressed back against Choongjae’s warm body and grasped his hand. His cheeks burn and his longing courses like blood through his veins and he buries his face in his hands, cursing loudly at himself and his foolishness.  
  
That night, Sunho sees the vision that finally brings the answers to his questions.  
  
_~He is hurrying along a quiet boulevard when someone grabs him by the elbow from behind, yanking him around so that he faces a boy, wide-eyed and panting, who stares at him like he is everything that ever was and ever will be.  
  
‘It’s you!’ gasps the boy, his voice trembling. ‘It’s actually you…’  
  
He takes a step back, pulling his arm free. ‘What the … Who are you? What are you talking about?’  
  
The boy’s eyes widen and his lips part. ‘You … you don’t recognise me?’  
  
‘I’ve never met you!’  
  
The boy’s face falls, his dark eyes filling with unspeakable pain and heartbreak. ‘But we’re … you’re … you are my…’~_  
  
Sunho jolts awake. Fists clenched into the sheets, he lies still as a statue and stares blankly up at the dark ceiling while a single word echoes hollowly in his mind.  
  
_Soulmate._  


~***~  


That single answer opens the doors of epiphany to all of his questions.  
  
The cosmic pull he feels towards Choongjae, the feeling of having the entire universe wrapped around them, the desires, the longing, everything – Sunho understands it all now.  
  
_Soulmate_.  
  
He garners some semblance of explanation for the visions he sees at night, too. He knows they are real, has known for a long time, but he has never known before where they come from.  
  
_Other lives_ , he thinks to himself, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer vastness of it all. Somewhere out there, in other – worlds, realms, universes – he is alive and living lives different to what he is living here. Perhaps with different names, with different people, in different places.  
  
But out there in those infinite universes, one thing remains consistent – Park Choongjae is his soulmate. In all the infinite lives that Lee Sunho’s infinite selves are living right in this very moment across space and dimension, his soul is still connected to only one other person.  
  
And his visions at night are brief glimpses into those lives, some in which he and Choongjae are together, some in which he is waiting for Choongjae to recognise him, some in which Choongjae is waiting for him, and some in which they have never met. Never even realised that they have a soulmate…  
  
Sunho is in the middle of coming to grips with these insights when the hardest truth hits home one day: his life right now, where he is Lee Sunho, is one where _he_ is the one waiting for his soulmate to recognise him … because Choongjae does not have a clue to what they are.  
  
Yet.  
  
Choongjae does not feel that incredible pull to Sunho; does not see visions of their other ongoing lives. In this life, Sunho is the one to have experienced that awakening … and he has no idea when Choongjae will experience it.  
  
_If_ Choongjae would ever experience it…  
  
The realisation fills him with pain and Sunho becomes more aware than ever of a gaping void inside him, like a hole in his soul, and he knows intuitively that only Choongjae would ever be able to fill that.  
  
He is for Choongjae and Choongjae is for him.  
  
But only Sunho knows that.  
  
Perhaps what hurts more is the awareness that Sunho, no matter what, will always wait for Choongjae. He knows that as surely as he knew Choongjae was not a stranger the day they had met. His heart can never accept anyone else and so he will wait for his soulmate.  
  
He will wait even if he has to wait his entire life and that day never comes.  


~***~  


Choongjae does not bring up what happened in the practice room again.  
  
Instead, the incident becomes one of many that remain as unspoken awkward transgressions between them. Maybe not speaking about it further widens the distance in their relationship with each other, adding fuel to the uncomfortable fires always simmering between them.  
  
But they do not speak of it.  
  
However, Sunho is aware, more than before, that Choongjae looks at him differently sometimes. It is not the look of someone who has recognised their soulmate – though how Sunho wishes it were! – but the look of someone who has become aware of something gone wrong or amiss in their relationship, but cannot put his finger on what it is.  
  
But they do not speak of it.  
  
And so their shaky friendship continues in that tangent, publicly branding them both as “awkward” characters within Shinhwa. Though their uneasy relationship only rarely becomes a topic of focus, it lingers in the atmosphere like a palpable energy.  
  
Sunho is aware that their “awkwardness” upsets the balance of the group on a certain level. Following their debut into singing and varieties, Shinhwa has learned to laugh and poke fun at it light-heartedly whenever the topic crops up on camera, but Sunho knows it causes concern for the older members. Especially for Eric and Pilkyo, who have taken Sunho and Choongjae, as the youngest members, under their respective wings.  
  
The only reason Sunho has not yet blurted out the whole truth about them being soulmates to Eric is because Eric is not well equipped at having deep conversations.  
  
‘You and Choongjae don’t seem that much better,’ he comments to Sunho at some point. ‘It’s been a long time…’  
  
‘I don’t think we’re worse than before, though,’ replies Sunho shortly, knowing that the conversation will not continue if he does not offer more details. The thing with talking to Eric is that Eric is a good listener, but he sucks at talking himself or keeping the conversation going.  
  
Eric looks at him, quiet and so concerned it makes Sunho feel unspeakably guilty, but Sunho does not continue.  
  
He is quite sure that Pilkyo must be approaching Choongjae with these questions as well, and he wonders how Choongjae replies to them. What explanation does Park Choongjae, who does not feel like his entire being revolves around Lee Sunho, offer as the reason behind their distance?  
  
He cannot know the answer, but he eventually sees the results of Pilkyo’s talks with Choongjae.  
  
With painstaking effort, Choongjae tries to bridge the gap between them. It happens slowly, so that by the time Sunho realises what Choongjae is actively doing, he is already in the thick of it. Through small conversations, brief and impersonal touches, random jokes and jovial smiles, Choongjae tries hard – so hard – to be close to Sunho.  
  
He asks Sunho about his day when they meet at the dorms after exhausting schedules. (Sunho answers with the usual level of self-consciousness, but Choongjae actually listens and comments on his reply.)  
  
He makes an extra mug of coffee for Sunho when they wake up at dawn and, sometimes on weekends and off days, shyly asks Sunho to make breakfast for him (Sunho does. Every time.)  
  
He approaches Sunho to rehearse their lines and raps for their songs together. (It is easier since their lines usually follow each other’s and Sunho picks up a thing or two from Choongjae as well.)  
  
He shares his water with Sunho at the end of hard dance routines and squeezes his shoulder encouragingly when Sunho collapses to the ground in exhaustion. (Sunho accepts the water and the touches, and wishes he can have more.)  
  
When Sunho recognises the efforts Choongjae is putting in – how could he not? – he is overcome with both humble joy and crushing misery.  
  
Joy, because Choongjae is showing that he wants to overcome this barrier separating them. He is trying to be closer to Sunho, with smiles and talks and friendly touches, despite all the cracks Sunho has caused between them.  
  
And misery, because the reason Sunho has been incapable of being close to Choongjae all this time is because he cannot handle the feelings that come from their soulmate bond. Without that control, how can he be with this boy who remains oblivious to what he means to Sunho, and what Sunho should mean to him?  
  
How can he be with a boy he knows is meant for him – to love and to have and to grow old together – while being completely aware that _he_ does not amount to even a fraction of that for that boy?  
  
That pain is too raw, too wounding.  
  
Sunho continues to struggle with how to respond to Choongjae – perhaps find a way around the soulmate attraction – until Choongjae drops the ultimate bomb on him one day.  
  
‘You know, you don’t have to call me hyung.’  
  
Sunho looks up from the lyric sheet he is holding, shocked, at Choongjae who is sitting opposite him in the vocal practice room. Choongjae had invited him to go over their rap together again – another invitation for closeness – and Sunho had been unable to say no, though his heart is now agonising with longing for Choongjae and the ever bitter knowledge that he cannot have him still.  
  
‘What?’ Sunho finally breathes.  
  
‘It’s OK if you don’t call me hyung,’ Choongjae repeats. He looks shy and slightly uncomfortable, as if he has practised saying these words a lot. ‘I know you’re my dongsaeng and all, but … I’m a late 80-liner and you’re an early 81-liner, right?’  
  
Sunho can barely manage a nod.  
  
‘So, let’s not do the formal hyung-dongsaeng thing anymore. We can just be friends.’  
  
‘I … are you … I mean, that’s … I don’t know, hyung, I –’  
  
‘You don’t have to call me hyung,’ Choongjae repeats, cutting across him. He looks seriously at Sunho. ‘You can just speak comfortably to me, like friends.’ He pauses. ‘I want you to.’  
  
Sunho ducks his head, his face hot and an odd lump in his throat.  
  
‘OK, hyu –’ He stops, not knowing how to go on.  
  
‘Choongjae. You can just call me Choongjae.’  
  
‘Right,’ Sunho mumbles, but does not call him Choongjae. Not right then.  
  
But Choongjae looks satisfied and returns to practising his rap.  
  
After that day, Sunho sticks with what Choongjae asked and does not call him ‘hyung’ anymore … but he does not call him ‘Choongjae’ either. He cannot.  
  
Calling Choongjae ‘hyung’ had been easy. The honorific – the formality – had established a certain line between them, a wall that could not be scaled. But having that line eradicated, that wall brought down, has opened a door of closer intimacy between them.  
  
It is, Sunho knew, Choongjae’s ultimate invitation for them to be actual friends.  
  
It is not an invitation Sunho can easily accept.  
  
Oh, he wants to, definitely. He wants to call Choongjae by his name, to destroy that wall between them, to be comfortable with him – but in the wake of that comes more powerful desires: to be able to love Choongjae openly, to claim him as Sunho’s own, to mark him as his soulmate, to live the rest of his life with him…  
  
Being so close to Choongjae, Sunho cannot hold back those feelings until Choongjae awakens his own soulmate bond. And so, he does not take up Choongjae on his invitation. Not fully anyway. He does not call him hyung, but he does not call him by his name, either.  
  
In the end, he calls him nothing.  
  
Sunho waits until Choongjae is facing him or meets his eyes before speaking or asking him anything. When he needs to grab Choongjae’s attention, all he can muster is a small, ‘Hey’, but never his name.  
  
Choongjae realises Sunho is keeping him at arm’s length. The disappointment in his eyes each time Sunho acts like this around him is as obvious as the sun. But Choongjae does not push it and puts on a smile always.  
  
It hurts.  
  
Over the years, they reach a small compromise – stage names.  
  
After an era of being unable to call Choongjae anything, Sunho is finally able to address him as simply ‘Jin’. It is sporadic, happens only every now and then, but it is something at least. Calling him Jin is easier and more impersonal than calling him Choongjae. Sunho can handle that.  
  
It feels different from calling Junghyuk ‘Eric hyung’ or Pilkyo ‘Hyesung hyung’ – because Eric has always been Eric since their time in the States, and Hyesung becomes more of a fond nickname for Pilkyo than merely a stage name, a mask. Calling them Eric and Hyesung does not put up a wall between them and Sunho.  
  
But calling Choongjae ‘Jin’ does.  
  
Choongjae returns the favour. The number of times he calls him ‘Sunho’ dwindles, replaced more and more frequently by just ‘Andy’. Sunho misses hearing his name on Choongjae’s tongue, but it is a compromise he comes to accept. Because he deserves it, if nothing else.  
  
The one thing that does not change is Choongjae’s efforts to establish that they are, at the very least, reasonably close. Though Sunho always toes that blurred line to maintain a safe distance between them, Choongjae never stops talking to Sunho; never stops making jokes around him, never stops smiling, never stops rehearsing together.  
  
He ensures that Junjin and Andy, the two “awkward maknaes” of Shinhwa, have a common ground to stand on together, though they are certainly not the best of friends.  
  
It is both stressful and heartening – but then again, what else is Sunho’s life now?  


~***~  


It takes time.  
  
It takes a long time for Sunho to give in, bit by bit, to Choongjae’s friendly approaches. With shaky control, cemented by pure iron-willed determination, Sunho buries down the urges and desires evoked by their soulmate connection, and learns to enjoy Choongjae’s company more.  
  
He takes the initiative to speak to Choongjae more, whether they are with Shinhwa or the rare moments they find themselves with only each other for company.  
  
He laughs more at Choongjae’s jokes on variety shows, and with Choongjae during their private times, too. The man is a funny guy, bordering on downright ridiculous at times, so laughing with him at least comes naturally.  
  
He takes to the dance floor more with Choongjae during shows and concerts as well. They move in perfect synch with each other, sometimes executing serious routines, sometimes comedic routines, and at the end, he lets Choongjae hold his hand or throw their arms around each other’s shoulders as they wave and bow to the crowds.  
  
His heart does funny things inside his chest every time he is involved with Choongjae, but with the passing of long years, Sunho has learned to stamp it down.  
  
The innate call of his soulmate bond – the desires, the urges, the longing, the breathlessness, the starbursts and the lights – they have all evolved into a hollow, numb ache he feels every moment within the deepest recesses of his soul now.  
  
Sunho knows there is no cure for it; only Choongjae can fill that void within him. But until then, Sunho still has to wait, and he is glad for the control he has learned to exercise over the cosmic pull he feels towards Choongjae.  
  
Perhaps the most rewarding part of being able to control his emotions is being able to touch Choongjae more; gentle touches that can easily be brushed off as platonic affection, without Sunho having to run out of the room for fear of doing something inappropriate to Choongjae.  
  
The casual hand holding when they are on stage, or throwing arms around shoulders, brief hugs at the end of long shows – the pure intimacy of it all is a blessing for Sunho. It warms his heart and fills him to the brim with love for Choongjae, but he is able to control it now and just enjoy his soulmate’s company.  
  
Their developing camaraderie reaches the point where Choongjae, in a moment of frenzied excitement during one of the spontaneous parties Shinhwa throw for themselves at the dorms, drops an unexpected kiss on Sunho’s cheek.  
  
Such skinship is the most natural thing in the world for Shinhwa, but it is a definite novelty between Choongjae and Sunho. The former looks immediately worried when he pulls back and realises what he has done, and he looks anxiously at Sunho.  
  
To say that Sunho’s heart did not skip a beat would be a lie. He freezes for a split second, but then comes to his senses. He turns to Choongjae and is able to smile reassuringly at him, letting him know he has not done anything wrong. Choongjae’s expression melts in relief.  
  
Sunho swallows heavily when Choongjae returns to the fray of the party, though. He resists the urge to touch his cheek, where the imprint of Choongjae’s lips are still burning through his skin, and commands himself to calm down.  
  
It is so hard, though.  
  
Perhaps that is why he kisses Choongjae on his birthday later. It is a fan meeting and there are cameras everywhere and people scream themselves hoarse when Sunho wraps his arms around Choongjae’s middle, wishes him happiness, and leans up to kiss him softly on the cheek.  
  
It is brief; just the brush of lips on warm skin and Sunho inhales Choongjae’s scent, nearly getting drunk on his essence, and then pulls away, feeling like he has smeared a part of his soul on Choongjae’s immaculate jacket.  
  
No one thinks it is weird. Choongjae grins brightly at him and Sunho gives a lopsided smile back, and the fan meeting proceeds smoothly as planned.  
  
Much later, Eric says out of nowhere, ‘I’m glad you guys are on better terms now.’  
  
He walks away before Sunho can reply and Sunho wonders just how he can explain, to anyone, the hollowness in his heart that worsens the closer he gets to Choongjae without actually being able to have him.


	2. Endurance

Sunho cannot have Choongjae – not in the natural course of things.  
  
That reality check slaps Sunho in the face some nine years after their debut and four girlfriends later. Choongjae’s girlfriends.  
  
Choongjae is not the type to talk about his personal problems much, but after his last breakup, he speaks about it once on a drunken night with Shinhwa in Minwoo’s apartment.  
  
He is the sort to take relationships very seriously. Sunho has always known this, known from the moment Choongjae took his first girlfriend – his first love – and given her his everything while Sunho fell apart inside. All of his following relationships over the years had followed the same pattern, the same seriousness, though they did not work out.  
  
He laments about it that night, drunk and on the verge of tears.  
  
‘Why does it never work out? What am I doing wrong?’  
  
‘I feel ya, man,’ says Minwoo, also tipsy. He slaps Choongjae on the shoulder in brotherly encouragement. ‘But you’ll meet the one for you someday. You’ll see. Have faith, brother!’ And he throws his arms around Choongjae, who is slumped over the dining table with the rest of the other drunk members.  
  
Sunho sits in a sort of frozen stupor on Minwoo’s sofa, far enough to escape having to offer his own comfort to Choongjae, but close enough to hear every word.  
  
It is then that he realises what he has been blind to from the moment Choongjae began his first relationship all those years ago – Choongjae has only ever dated women.  
  
The crippling pain of seeing Choongjae with someone else has always been the main focus for Sunho every time he was in a relationship. Sunho has never paid attention to the other factor, but it is glaring him in the face right now. Always has been.  
  
Choongjae likes women.  
  
And it dawns on Sunho that he has never, not once, witnessed Choongjae being interested in a man before. It has always been women for him.  
  
Leaning back against the sofa, Sunho closes his eyes wearily.  
  
He has harboured the idea – more than once – of trying to win Choongjae’s heart and woo him into falling in love with Sunho, regardless of their soulmate bond, so that they can finally be together. He had not known how to go about it before, having comfortably settled into the role of being Choongjae’s awkward-not-so-awkward-maybe friend for so many years, but now he can see that it was a hopeless idea to begin with.  
  
Choongjae will not fall for Sunho. Not like this.  
  
That train of thought leads to another unexpected insight that night – Sunho does not know his own sexuality.  
  
Swallowing, he tries to remember the years before he met Choongjae, but it is all a blur. His preteens and earliest teens had been energetic days, when Sunho was more concerned with getting started on fulfilling his dreams than pursuing love. There had not been crushes – and then Choongjae had just waltzed into his life and turned everything upside down.  
  
From the moment his soulmate bond had awakened inside him, no other man or woman have crossed his thoughts since. His heart, mind and soul have revolved solely around Choongjae from the beginning.  
  
With a groan, Sunho gets up and prepares to leave, feeling suffocated.  
  
To his surprise, Choongjae notices the movement through his state of inebriation.  
  
‘You’re leaving?’ he slurs at him, raising his head from the dining table.  
  
Sunho pauses and looks back at him. Minwoo is snoring on Choongjae’s shoulder, Pilkyo and Eric are sitting opposite him at the table, almost knocked out themselves, and Dongwan is nowhere to be seen. Quite possibly he had fallen off his chair beyond Sunho’s line of vision.  
  
‘Don’t go,’ says Choongjae, blinking miserably at him.  
  
‘I’ve always been here,’ returns Sunho quietly. ‘I always will be.’ He turns to leave, but stops again. ‘Minwoo hyung is right, you know.’  
  
Choongjae blinks at him and Sunho is pretty sure he will not remember any of this come morning.  
  
‘You have someone waiting for you. And that person will always wait for you, until the day you realise. But they can’t make you recognise them.’  
  
‘Sunho-yah…’ It has been a long time since Choongjae had called him by his given name.  
  
‘You have someone who loves you and wants you so much it hurts … you only need to say the word.’ Biting down on his lip, Sunho leaves the apartment.  
  
The next time they meet for a show recording, Choongjae makes no indication of having any memory of that night. Sunho is not surprised, but it does not lessen any his urge to punch something.  
  


~***~  
  


Shinhwa has one last farewell after their tenth anniversary concert; a small intimate gathering just between the six of them, haphazardly thrown together at Eric’s place with hastily bought beers, fried chicken and heaps of junk food.  
  
They do not waste their breath on obvious things like ‘This is not the end’ or ‘We’ll come back, we promised’ or even ‘We’ll stay in touch’. Those are actualities taken as read and they spend the night the way they always do, with video games, random dance-offs, drinking competitions and taking a bunch of pictures they will regret once sobriety returns.  
  
Despite the laughter and the madness, Sunho knows they are all at the same crossroad he is: caught between joy and melancholy, looking towards a necessary but uncertain future where they do not know when they will actually come back together again. They will, without a doubt; but how far down the road that moment is, none of them knows.  
  
Somewhere in the deep hours of the morning, Dongwan slurs from where he is sprawled half on Eric and half on the floor, ‘Get your shit together, all of you.’  
  
‘The hell you talkin’ about, man?’ groans Minwoo from the other side of the room, where he is on the sofa, using Sunho as a footrest.  
  
‘This hiatus,’ says Dongwan loudly, waving a limp arm in the air. ‘Use this chance to get your shit together. Your lives and your problems and your shit and –’  
  
The rest of his words are drowned in the laughter that erupts from all of them.  
  
‘Yah,’ says Eric, poking Dongwan’s head nestled on his stomach. ‘Forget about us. You just focus on not getting thumped when you enter the military.’  
  
‘That goes for all of us,’ grunts Dongwan back, digging the back of his head deeper into Eric’s abs in revenge. ‘And you’re the weakest of us all, Mun Junghyuk. Sure you can make it out of the army alive?’  
  
‘You wanna die before you’re enlisted even?’  
  
Sunho laughs with the rest of them. His head is fuzzy from the alcohol, but he is still sober in comparison to his hyungs.  
  
As if having read his thoughts, Choongjae suddenly pipes up from where he is curled up on an armchair, ‘Forget military service, you hyungs will be lucky if you don’t die from hangovers first thing tomorrow morning.’  
  
Sunho laughs harder at that, even more when the older members immediately begin to grumble.  
  
‘Hey, I’m just saying,’ says Choongjae obnoxiously when Pilkyo rouses himself from his stupor long enough to throw a poorly aimed cushion at his face. ‘It’s not my fault you guys can’t hold your liquor. Well, not me and Andy’s fault,’ he amends with a quick grin at their youngest member.  
  
Sunho grins back amiably and mimics exchanging high fives with Choongjae across the room amidst the loud complaints from the other members. With a grunt, Pilkyo turns over on the floor and goes back to sleep.  
  
‘Yeah, yeah, _yeah_ ,’ whines Minwoo, kicking lightly at Sunho’s thigh, ‘the both of you have amazing alcohol tolerance. We’ve heard it all before. Go give yourselves a cookie, why don’t you.’  
  
‘You know what, I’mma do just that,’ replies Choongjae brightly and leaps up from his armchair. ‘I know exactly where Eric hyung hides his stash. Want some cookies, Andy?’  
  
‘Yah, don’t you dare,’ yells Eric from the floor as Choongjae makes a dash for his kitchen, but the combined weight of Dongwan and intoxication are too heavy for him to fight off and he remains where he is.  
  
He continues to grumble in a low slur when Choongjae returns, holding up a large packet in victory.  
  
‘Wow, chocolate chip cookies, Eric hyung?’ he drawls as he flops down on the floor by Sunho’s feet. ‘Can you _get_ any more American?’  
  
With a snort, Sunho pushes Minwoo’s feet off his lap and slides off the sofa to sit beside Choongjae, eagerly reaching for the snacks.  
  
Eric grouses something that translates into defeat and soon falls silent, probably dozing off at last. Minwoo begins to snore softly and tranquillity fills the air as Sunho and Choongjae dig into the cookies in silence, needing no more words.  
  
They finish off the whole packet in record time and Choongjae chuckles. ‘I should’ve brought out Eric hyung’s second hidden packet, but I was being generous.’  
  
Sunho shrugs with a small smile. ‘Eh, it’s enough. Anymore and my teeth will rot.’  
  
Choongjae hums and they fall back into peaceful silence for a while. Sunho basks in the placidness of that moment, keeping his mind blank and not thinking about their future or the perpetual ache inside him at Choongjae’s close presence. For now, he is simply happy to be there, beside the man who is his everything and surrounded by the men who have been part of his family for more than a decade.  
  
The peace is broken by Choongjae, who suddenly says in barely more than a whisper, ‘I’m scared…’  
  
Sunho looks around, taken aback.  
  
With a low chuckle, Choongjae hangs his head. ‘I’m scared about the future. This –’ he indicates Shinhwa with a wave of his arm ‘- has been my life for so long, I don’t know how I can even begin to be alone…’  
  
Sunho bites his lip, understanding his fear all too well. ‘It’s not forever,’ he says quietly.  
  
‘I know,’ murmurs Choongjae. ‘I know we’ll make it. I know we’ll stand on stage together again. But not knowing when or how long it will be, or what I’ll be doing in that time … it scares me.’  
  
Sunho is quiet for a long time, just watching Choongjae, wishing he can take him in his arms and chase all his fears away.  
  
‘Me, too,’ he finally whispers. ‘All of us.’ And he downs a half-empty bottle of soju standing on the coffee table to quell the sudden emotions that rise like tidal waves in his heart.  
  
As he lowers the empty bottle from his lips, Choongjae returns to the kitchen, muttering something about getting water. Sunho looks after him, his fingers clenched around the neck of the bottle. Choongjae’s revelation had just driven it home that for the next – three years? four? five? – they will not be Shinhwa. Not exactly.  
  
They will handle some solo activities probably, but above all, they will enter military service one by one. All of them will fend for themselves until they have dealt with everything that needs to be sorted out, before they can return as Shinhwa again.  
  
They will, of course, keep in some form of contact with each other, but Sunho knows it is only wishful thinking to hope that they will meet often. They would be lucky if all six of them could gather at one place even once a year after tonight.  
  
The next few years of his life without Shinhwa … without Eric, Minwoo, Dongwan and Pilkyo, and all their shenanigans together…  
  
Without Choongjae.  
  
The soju bottle slips from his fingers to clunk dully on the carpeted floor and Sunho’s limbs move almost of their own accord; next thing he knows, he is standing on the threshold of the kitchen, staring feverishly at Choongjae.  
  
Choongjae meets Sunho’s intense gaze and furrows his brows in concern. Lowering his glass of water to the sink, he begins to walk over, a question half-formed on his lips,  
  
‘Hey, you feeling alrig –?’  
  
The rest of his words are lost in Sunho’s mouth.  
  
Choongjae makes a noise that might have been of surprise – might have been a protest – but it is all lost as Sunho slides one hand around his neck, burying his fingers in thick unruly hair and holding Choongjae’s head down as Sunho kisses him with everything he has. His other arm winds tight around Choongjae’s waist, pulling him flush against Sunho’s body with not a hair’s breadth between them and, in that moment, Sunho’s entire world rights itself.  
  
Choongjae tastes like beer and chocolate. He tastes like golden drops of sunlight on the first morning of spring and like the scorch of lightning in the heart of a storm. He tastes like salvation in its purest form and like every dark thought Sunho has ever had.  
  
He tastes like fate.  
  
‘A-Andy,’ he gasps against Sunho’s lips, tilting his head back to speak. ‘Y-you – are you drunk –?’  
  
Is he? Maybe he is. He is not thinking straight. It does not matter right now. With a soft grunt of discontent, Sunho pulls Choongjae back to him. He kisses his parted lips with wild abandon, notes the way Choongjae catches his breath when he bites down on his lower lip and sucks it into his mouth, commits Choongjae’s muffled whimper to memory as he slides his tongue into his warm mouth, teasing and curious and demanding all at once.  
  
Sunho can feel it now, how their soulmate bond sings and resonates between them. He feels the universe wrap them in that celestial embrace he had first felt the day they had met, sees starbursts and lights play out behind his eyelids, and feels the gaping void in his soul filling and reaching completion.  
  
_How do you not feel this?_ He wonders as he caresses Choongjae’s back, vaguely aware that the other man is resting his hands limply on Sunho’s shoulders, not pushing him away.  
  
_How can you not recognise me? Recognise this?_  
  
He does not want it to stop. He wants to stay like this forever, to kiss Choongjae, to breathe him in and make love to him. To complete him, them, for what they are to each other.  
  
_How can you still not know?_  
  
With one last lingering kiss, chaste and tender this time, to lips soft and pliant under his, Sunho slowly draws away.  
  
Choongjae’s eyes are a dark vortex of unfathomable emotions. Lips parted, hands still suspended where they had been resting on Sunho’s shoulders, he stares at the younger man in frozen shock … and something else.  
  
Sunho searches his eyes, wondering with dwindling hope if things had finally fallen into place. The frozen look in Choongjae’s eyes does not change, but it is not the recognition of a soulmate. Sunho will know that look anywhere – has seen it countless times in the visions that haunt him – but this is not it.  
  
Choongjae, whatever is going on inside his head right now, still does not know.  
  
His heart sinks, heavy with shattered hopes and despair. He feels like he should not be surprised, but the devastation is crushing.  
  
It takes a moment to pull himself together, to take a deep breath and crack a dopey smile at Choongjae. ‘I’ll miss ya for the next few years,’ he says, deliberately slurring his words a little. If it will make things easier for Choongjae to believe that Sunho had been drunk, he is willing to do it.  
  
With a vague wave, he mutters, ‘G’night, Jin-ah …’ and ambles out of the kitchen.  
  
Sunho curls up on the floor next to Pilkyo under a blanket and squeezes his eyes shut, listening to the heavy thumps of his heart. Eventually, he hears Choongjae come back and the dip of the armchair when he sits down, but Sunho does not open his eyes.  
  
He waits a long time for sleep to come and, until he finally dozes off, he does not hear Choongjae move again.  
  


~***~  
  


The next day when the members finally stir awake around noon, Sunho goes full steam ahead with his façade of having been drunk the night before.  
  
He wakes up with a “hangover”, accentuated with a few well-timed groans of pain as he massages his temples; and the first thing he mumbles, keeping his voice thick and sluggish, while squinting around is,  
  
‘The hell happened last night? I dreamed I was kissing a troll.’  
  
Laughter greets his words, followed immediately by hushed groans of pain as the rest of the members regret the amount of alcohol they had chugged the previous night.  
  
All except for Choongjae, who Sunho abruptly notices is still in his armchair, with lips drawn in a thin line and swollen eyes bespeaking a sleepless night. He gazes back wordlessly at Sunho, expression impossible to read.  
  
Sunho pauses, thinking back to that moment when he had kissed Choongjae for the very first time, after years and years of dreaming about it.  
  
It is the strangest feeling in the world to simultaneously regret something so wholly and not regret it at all.  
  
But he does not drop his hangover act. It is better this way, he tells himself. Better for Choongjae to believe his actions last night had stemmed from the influence of alcohol, because as long as Choongjae does not feel their soulmate bond, there is no other explanation he can give.  
  
Not without messing up their relationship anyway.  
  
Sunho would rather have Choongjae like this, as a mere colleague and friend, than not have him at all.  
  
When the members finally gather outside Eric’s apartment to bid their final farewell before officially commencing their hiatus, Pilkyo finally says aloud what none of them had voiced before:  
  
‘This – this is not the end for us.’  
  
For a moment, they take in the words sombrely, allowing their true feelings free reign. Then they wave away his words with laughter and playful banter.  
  
‘Yah! We all know that, idiot.’  
  
‘Thanks a lot, sir captain of the Obvious ship.’  
  
‘Speak for yourself, I ain’t ever coming back to you again, Jung Pilkyo.’  
  
‘Then I call dibs on him!’  
  
‘Ugh, get away from me, I don’t want any of you!’  
  
‘Hyesung hyung, are those tears in your eyes? Are you crying?’  
  
‘You wanna die?!’  
  
‘Aww, group hug, anyone?’  
  
‘Eric has a death wish – Ow! Don’t hit me!’  
  
‘Keep in touch, you punks.’  
  
That is how they part ways. With jovial smiles, playful shoves, a few choice swear words and a hidden tear or two, they walk away to enter the long interlude of their lives.  
  
On the way, Sunho says one last farewell to the person he will miss most, above anyone else.  
  
‘See you around … Choongjae-yah.’  
  
It is the first time that he has ever, in complete sobriety, addressed Choongjae by his given name.  
  
Choongjae stops in his tracks and looks over his shoulder. Sunho waits, wearing an easy smile that hides the wrenching feeling in his gut and how his heart is already missing his soulmate so much that it is a tangible ache.  
  
Five seconds pass. The look in Choongjae’s eyes is unlike any Sunho has seen before.  
  
‘See you,’ he says at last, without offering a smile.  
  
Sunho’s heart sinks. With a short nod, he turns and walks away, numb and hollow.  
  
‘See you around … Sunho …’  
  
The sound of his name – how long has it been? – brings back a faint smile to his lips. Then Choongjae is turning away and Sunho keeps walking towards his uncertain future.  
  


~***~  
  


For four years, Sunho carries the weight of Shinhwa’s memory on his shoulders.  
  
They are not yet over, but they are not together and the decade that they have spent as one – even longer, counting their training – already feels like a past life that clings to his ankles as he tries to go about his life.  
  
They call each other now and then, and those who manage to scavenge some free time meet up sporadically for drinks, but most of the time, their communication is limited to Kakao and group chats. Never has Sunho been so thankful for technologically as he scrolls through their messages and laughs quietly to himself on lonely nights.  
  
The four years become a long blur of solo activities, management and training of his own groups, and inevitably, military life. He challenges all of it head on, immersing himself in the new pace of his life so that it leaves no room for other thoughts.  
  
He succeeds at it, most of the time.  
  
But it never really goes away, the loneliness. He has lived too long as one sixth of an entity, as part of something that works in perfect tandem only when it is operated by six souls, and now he cannot get used to working alone. The longest he had been separated from them before had been a year – a dark era of his past in which his thoughts had been solely focussed on his mother – and not even that had entirely prepared him for this.  
  
Simmering beneath it all is the other loneliness; the one that leaves his entire soul numb and in anguish at the same time. Sunho had gotten used to it while they were together, but now with this clear cut separation, the complete lack of his soulmate’s presence assaults him anew.  
  
How has he lived with this for all these years? Sunho wonders sometimes as he lies awake at night, his body drained but mind buzzing.  
  
_How does anyone?_  
  
For Sunho is quite certain there must be other soulmate couples out there, some who have succeeded and some who are stuck like him. But like how he cannot ever talk about it – for what proof does he have to show for this awareness? – no one else seems to talk about it, either. It is something cosmic and beyond understanding that is simply accepted, and perhaps only soulmates who have recognised their counterparts ever acknowledge it out loud, to each other.  
  
The only solace for Sunho is the one filtered through his visions, these glimpses into his other lives that have never ceased over the years.  
  
The visions show him that somewhere out there, beyond reach and reason, he has a life – several lives – where fate is kind and he is with his soulmate as they were always meant to be.  
  
They show him that somewhere out there, he is living lives reversed where it his soulmate who is suffering in silence, waiting with aching heart and soul for _him_ to recognise their bond, but he remains oblivious.  
  
And they show him that crueller fates are at work out there, where there are lives in which he has never met his soulmate. Some lives where his soulmate bond has awakened but he has never met him, or some lives where it remains dormant and he carries on with life, never knowing why there is a part of himself deep within that feels empty and hollow.  
  
Out there are lives where his infinite selves – and Choongjae’s infinite selves – are suffering worse than what he is going through here, in this life. At least here, he knows his soulmate, has met him, has been close with him for so long…  
  
Sunho tries to take comfort in that.  
  
But then he wonders if it would have been less painful if his bond had never awakened at all.  
  
And so Sunho continues to trudge forward, carrying the weight of Shinhwa’s memory on shoulders he refuses to hunch, and his unrequited devotion to Park Choongjae in a heart that refuses to harden.  
  


~***~  
  


It is like they had never parted.  
  
The first time all six of them gather after their hiatus for the final preparations of their long-awaited comeback, their first greeting is comprised of uncertain grins bordering on shyness.  
  
The awkward moment lasts some four seconds. Then,  
  
‘So … you punks got all your shit together or did you just self-destruct in the past few years?’ Dongwan asks loudly with a shit-eating grin.  
  
It is just the right spark to ignite their laughter, and then they are walking forward to greet each other properly, all loud voices and butt slaps and just chaos.  
  
‘I’ve never been happier to see your face. Man, you look as ugly as ever.’  
  
‘Not one of you assholes wrote to me in the army!’  
  
‘You think you were the only one in the army?!’  
  
‘We spoke on Kakao all the time.’  
  
‘Dude, your new haircut is having adverse effects on my guts, I feel pukey.’  
  
‘Your _face_ is making me pukey.’  
  
‘Chatting on Kakao is not the same as sending letters!’  
  
‘Get your girlfriend to send you handwritten letters with little hearts on th – oh wait, I forgot, you’ve never had one.’  
  
‘Yah, stop choking him! You can kill him after we’ve had our comeback.’  
  
Surrounded by his five hyungs – a little older and a little wiser (maybe) than before, but just as loud and rambunctious – Sunho has never felt more at home. He feels the heavy weight slip off his shoulders, washed away by their words and their laughter; their love and their presence.  
  
This is what he has endured four long years for.  
  
He greets them all one by one, hugging all the eldest members first, because he will always need a moment to prepare his resolve for Choongjae. But when the moment arrives, Sunho does not hesitate; he strides over to the tall man currently in Minwoo’s embrace, urged on by his conscious desires as much as his soulmate bond, and disregarding Choongjae’s look of surprise at his approach, wraps his arms firmly around him.  
  
‘Hey,’ he says simply, tilting his head slightly to breathe in Choongjae’s scent. Fighting the urge to bury his face in his neck, Sunho tightens his arms around him instead, revelling in the joy of being able to actually feel him again.  
  
Choongjae’s response comes a few beats too late. ‘Hey…’ It takes a couple more seconds before he returns the hug, looping his arms around Sunho more loosely than he used to.  
  
Sunho notices the change, minute though it is, but remains where he is. ‘I’ve missed you.’  
  
Again, that slight pause. ‘Yeah … me, too.’  
  
Pangs of uncertainty trickle into his elation and Sunho finally pulls back, carefully looking up at Choongjae. The man is wearing a small smile, but there is something fixed about it. His eyes are warm like before, but there is something else there, too – something guarded and intense in the way he is staring at Sunho right now.  
  
Breath hitching a little, Sunho wonders for a moment if Choongjae recognises their soulmate bond, but then pushes the thought away. Choongjae is not looking at him in that light – he would know in a heartbeat if it was – but Sunho cannot for the life of him put his finger on what has changed.  
  
A sudden thought occurs to him and Sunho freezes, locked in that staring contest with Choongjae. It cannot be…  
  
It has been four years already. And he had pretended to be drunk that night after … after what had happened. Surely, Choongjae is still not thinking of _that_ , is he?  
  
And if he is … what does that mean?  
  
The moment is broken by Minwoo calling all of them to gather around to finally discuss work, and Sunho and Choongjae move towards the rest, not saying anything else.  
  
Sunho is at a loss. There is something suddenly different with Choongjae and he has no idea what. Except that it is to do with him. Choongjae is not acting strange with anyone else.  
  
Has he really ruined the stability of their friendship – hard fought and hard won – with the whimsical mistake of a single night?  
  
A single kiss?  
  
Yet, he still cannot bring himself to regret it. If time were to rewind four years back into the past, Sunho knows he would still kiss Choongjae again that night.  
  
Swallowing, he pushes the matter to the back of his mind. In time, he will figure out the problem and win back that familiarity with Choongjae again.  
  
It had taken him close to ten years since their first meeting to reach that point with Choongjae and he will not stand to lose it.  
  


~***~  
  


Choongjae’s behaviour is puzzling.  
  
The next time they meet face to face for their Shinhwa activities, he gets that odd look in his eyes again - so blatantly obvious - and he falters for a moment before he returns Sunho’s greeting.  
  
He acts completely normal after that.  
  
There is no hesitation behind his smiles, his jokes or his touches around Sunho after all the members have gathered. It is like his strange behaviour from earlier had never happened.  
  
Sunho does not know what to make of it, but he welcomes that familiar closeness with Choongjae again. Though perfectly aware that something is clearly amiss, he is certainly not one to complain about the chances for intimacy with his soulmate. Exchanging banters with Choongjae has never felt so good before, and Sunho is pleased - and more than a little relieved - when Choongjae suggests they rehearse their lines for Venus together, like how they used to before.  
  
Within a few days, Choongjae begins to initiate more skinship with Sunho as well. Brief touches on the shoulder transcend to hugs again. Eventually, a surprise kiss or two to the cheek follow too, though Sunho expertly laughs them off as normal displays of affection on camera. He is gratified to know that no matter what has changed between them, it has not driven a wedge between them ... that Choongjae is still making the effort to maintain their closeness.  
  
But he looks differently at Sunho now.  
  
Sunho just cannot put his finger on what it is.  
  


~***~  
  


If there is one thing Sunho and Choongjae have in common, it is that neither of them likes to burden other people with the problems that occur in their personal lives.  
  
Sunho has been aware of it for nearly fifteen years now, but it has never struck him as deeply as it does the day Shinhwa finally spill their darkest individual pasts on national television.  
  
It is an arduous task, revisiting the tormenting pain of pasts left half-buried in the sands of time, and yet, it is also one of the most liberating. There is a strange sense of freedom in finally revealing the truth - sans the most private details - of their harshest, dreariest, worst situations to the public, despite the long years that have already passed since then.  
  
It is during the show that Sunho appreciates fully just how much he and Choongjae hold out on sharing their burdens with others. He listens numbly as Choongjae narrates, with an attempt at his usual laidback attitude, the period of his paranoia and depression. Choongjae does not visit the causes behind that particular period, but Sunho - like the public - has heard of the scandals, wrongful accusations, that Choongjae had gone through.  
  
His heart grows heavier as he listens to Choongjae's sombre tale of how he had lived and handled those months, drowning and trying to claw his way out of a ditch he had not deserved. Despite being aware of the scandals, this is Sunho's first time hearing about the emotional trauma that had ensured.  
  
Till that moment, Sunho has never more deeply regretted not having been able to be there for Choongjae.  
  
But he had had his own problems then.  
  
As if on cue, one of the show hosts directs the topic to Sunho, bringing up the rumor of his alleged "suicidal period". Sunho grits his teeth, hardens his resolve, and begins to recount the truth behind his one-year hiatus from Shinhwa for the very first time.  
  
Choongjae is not the only one who keeps his burdens as painful secrets.  
  
Sunho sees the reactions of the members in his peripheral vision as he speaks of tending to his ailing mother, of struggling with mounting hospital bills, and of suffering through insomnia with increasing medication that had born the rumours of his suicidal thoughts. His hyungs’ eyes are downcast and Dongwan silently intertwines their fingers together as Sunho recalls the tears and helplessness of a past he has kept hidden for over ten years.  
  
It has been so long since then, but the pain is still as fresh as the tears in his eyes as he admits, in not as many words, how much he had missed being Shinhwa’s Andy even for that one year.  
  
'This might be the members' first time hearing about this,' he confesses and is met with solemn murmurs of confirmation from his hyungs.  
  
He swallows and leans back after he is done. There is a lump in his throat and his eyes are still prickling, but he feels lighter inside; as if finally laying his pains bare before his brothers has somehow cleansed him of the burden.  
  
The talk goes on and he listens in silence to the hardships of other members. Some tales he already knows and some he hears for the first time, but ultimately, he is glad to learn that all of them had not been left alone like he had been, that they had had other members to lean on and cheer them up during their struggles.  
  
What takes him by surprise is right before the show's end when the hosts ask them to express who they're most grateful for, and Choongjae speaks up, his voice choked,  
  
'I feel sorry towards Andy.'  
  
Sunho looks round at him and is met briefly with dark eyes filled with tears.  
  
'He suffered so much during that time, yet I couldn't help him because of my own problems,' Choongjae continues quietly, his voice breaking a little. 'I really regret it. I feel really apologetic towards him.'  
  
_So do I_ , Sunho thinks to himself, swallowing. He had not been able to be there for Choongjae as well.  
  
'I'm recently trying to take better care of him,' Choongjae adds, barely able to meet Sunho's gaze the few times he glances in his direction. 'Because I really regret it. Listening to him just now and knowing about it all so late...'  
  
Sunho is feeling slightly choked himself, deeply touched by his soulmate's feelings. He wants to reassure Choongjae, but he cannot speak and is soon beaten to it by the hosts and other members who comfort Choongjae.  
  
When it is his turn, he answers simply and truthfully that he is grateful to all of them. His brothers who had overcome their ugliest selves and harshest struggles, the brothers who had welcomed him back with open arms and no questions asked, the brothers who make him feel better about himself everyday - he is thankful to them all.


	3. Celestial

After filming ends, Sunho is the first to head back to the waiting room which is empty as everyone is still outside, mingling.  
  
He is glad for the solitude because he has barely walked five steps inside the room before the tears come forth, bursting out of him in shuddering gasps.  
  
Sunho has to lean a hand against the back of a chair, his other hand coming up to cover his eyes. It has been a long time since he had wept like this over those memories, but his heart is clenching and he weeps the tears that he had refused to shed on camera.  
  
There is a soft sound behind him and Sunho turns, hastily wiping the back of his hand across his eyes.  
  
It is Choongjae, standing in the doorway with a look of guilt on his face. He makes to walk away, presumably to give Sunho privacy, but the latter blurts out,  
  
'Please, don't go.'  
  
Choongjae hesitates again before finally entering the room. He approaches Sunho slowly, watching him with eyes full of concern, understanding and an apology.  
  
He does not stop when he is in front of Sunho, but keeps coming until he is able to wrap his arms around the other man in a slightly awkward but infinitely gentle embrace. The touch of his soulmate alone sends waves of comfort rippling across Sunho's heart and he fiercely hugs him back.  
  
'I'm sorry,' says Choongjae in a low voice. 'It must have been so hard on you back then.' He rests his chin on Sunho's shoulder, brushing their cheeks together in the process.  
  
Sunho wipes a tender hand down Choongjae's spine. 'I'm sorry, too, that I couldn't be there for you, Jin. When you were alone. I'm glad the hyungs were there to help...'  
  
They lapse into silence, still not drawing away from each other. Choongjae is warm and Sunho can feel the steady thump of his heart against his own chest through their clothes.  
  
The two of them are so different and yet so alike, Sunho muses to himself as he continues to stroke Choongjae's broad back. Their personalities are nearly stark opposites, but their values are so similar - such as their refusal to share any personal problems for fear of burdening another with it.  
  
How much more is Choongjae bottling up inside, just like Sunho is?  
  
'Talk to me,' whispers Sunho.  
  
'About what?' Choongjae whispers back.  
  
'Everything you don't want anyone else to know.'  
  
There is a long moment as Choongjae draws back slightly so that he can see Sunho's face, still holding him close. There are tears in his eyes again.  
  
'I ... I still ... the baseball bat and the wooden katana I used to carry around at - at that time, back then,' he begins very quietly, not looking away, 'I still keep them. In my closet. As a reminder that I'm strong enough to - to face all that.'  
  
The secret hangs in the air between them as Sunho absorbs, with quiet humility, the trust Choongjae has placed in him to reveal it.  
  
'I still dream about that time some nights,' Sunho returns just as softly. 'I dream that I'm surrounded by empty soju bottles and mountains of sleeping pills and my mother is lying there -' He has to take a moment to breathe - 'And when I wake up, I feel like I had failed her because I couldn't do more.'  
  
‘No,' says Choongjae, reassuring and firm. He moves a hand to cup the back of Sunho's neck, soothingly caressing his skin and hair. 'I'll be there for you next time. If ever you need me.' He pauses. 'Even if you don't.'  
  
Sunho gives a small smile. 'And I for you. You can depend on me...'  
  
They grow quiet again, subdued by demons of their past that still haunt them.  
  
With a soft sigh, Choongjae closes his eyes and tips his head forward to rest his temple against Sunho's. It is a gesture they have never done in private before and Sunho is taken aback, before the simple tenderness of it overrides everything else.  
  
Expression softening into a fond smile, Sunho tightens his arms around Choongjae and just eyes his face. His features are blurred at this proximity, but Sunho cannot stop watching, drinking him in, adoring him and wanting him.  
  
_I love you_ , he thinks and, on impulse, leans in to kiss his cheek. His lips meet the corner of Choongjae's mouth as the latter looks round at Sunho's movement.  
  
He holds the kiss for a second. 'We got through it all before,' he says as he pulls back. 'We'll get through everything else, too.'  
  
Sunho's smile fades when he realises that Choongjae has turned to stone under his touch. Not moving a muscle, he gapes down at Sunho with a sort of frozen shock, lips parted and wide eyes filled with -  
  
Sunho's knees almost buckle. His breath catches in his throat and his arms drop to hang limply at his sides, because ... he knows that look. Has been waiting to see it for half a lifetime.  
  
_He knows_.  
  
Choongjae knows.  
  
_He recognises me._  
  
The doors of the waiting room bursts open and the rest of Shinhwa and their managers and crew begin to stream inside, prompting Sunho to step away from Choongjae.  
  
Choongjae remains where he is, eyes locked on Sunho, until he is roused by one of their coordinators. With one final look at Sunho, he allows her to draw him away, and Sunho watches him go, heart thudding in his chest.  
  
_He finally knows..._  
  


~***~  
  


The next several days are chock full of Shinhwa's promotions and activities, which means that Sunho meets Choongjae every single day, but they have about as much privacy as a public bathroom stall without a door.  
  
Not exactly ideal circumstances to discuss cosmic topics such as soulmates and other universes.  
  
On the other hand, maintaining this temporary distance between them is better for now. Sunho knows from his own personal experience that what Choongjae needs currently is time to think and absorb his newfound epiphany - away from Sunho, who has suddenly become the very centre of his universe.  
  
Accepting that you have a soulmate - that _you_ are someone's soulmate - connected across space and time is nothing short of an emotional roller coaster ride. Sunho had been on that ride for several years. He knows exactly what Choongjae must be going through now.  
  
Nevertheless, it is still the most gratifying thing in the world to see the way Choongjae _looks_ at him now. There is shock there, certainly - that will take time to wear off, for acceptance to dawn - but there is also wonder and awe, disbelief and a touch of fear, and - above all - pure enchantment.  
  
Choongjae looks at him like Sunho is everything that has ever existed and ever will be.  
  
Choongjae looks at him like how Sunho has been looking at him since day one.  
  
It is the best damn feeling in the universe.  
  
Sunho gives him gentle smiles every time he catches Choongjae looking his way during their schedules, trying to convey reassurance without words because Choongjae is not ready to talk yet. He tries to tell him, with kind eyes and tender looks, that everything will work out, everything is falling into place now.  
  
He is not sure if their bond – now mutually felt by both – actually transmits these messages to Choongjae, but his soulmate does not run away from him when they are thrown together during their activities. Choongjae still smiles and tries to act normal around him, which Sunho takes as a good sign.  
  
He is willing to wait, no matter how long it takes, until Choongjae can accept the true nature of their bond and is ready to finally acknowledge Sunho.  
  
He has been waiting for half of his life now. What is there to waiting a bit more?  
  


~***~  
  


Sunho has always been sure, but it is Eric who finally confirms it: there are definitely other soulmate pairs out there.  
  
It happens on a completely ordinary day, during a break on one of the many shows they have gone on to promote their comeback.  
  
‘Do you believe in one true love?’ Eric asks, completely out of the blue, turning to Sunho who is lazing on the chair next to him.  
  
Sunho blinks at him, utterly nonplussed, and gives the only response that seems appropriate for this situation,  
  
‘What the hell, hyung?’  
  
‘I – I know it’s strange, but seriously,’ says Eric, frowning slightly and leaning closer to his dongsaeng, his face entirely devoid of mirth. ‘I know it sounds like the typical children’s fairy tale, but do you think it’s possible that you have …’  
  
He trails off, looking uncharacteristically embarrassed, but then hardens his resolve. ‘That you have one person you’re destined to be with?’  
  
Sunho looks at him carefully, a myriad of thoughts and possibilities springing to mind. Is Eric possibly …?  
  
‘Don’t tell me … are you in love, hyung?’ he tries, putting a touch of humour to his tone as he gauges Eric’s reaction.  
  
Eric actually blushes. ‘I think that’s … one way to put it.’  
  
Sunho probes a bit more, still keeping a devilish smirk in place. ‘Aw, is this why you’ve been talking about marriage more often now?’  
  
Eric nudges him good-naturedly with his elbow. ‘Just answer the question, will ya, you brat?’  
  
‘You think this person is your … destiny? That kind of thing?’  
  
‘It’s just …’ Eric appears to be struggling with words, his cheeks still red. ‘I think she is the one. Like … I can’t look at anyone else the same way.’  
  
Sunho drops pretences. ‘Like she’s your soulmate?’  
  
Eric looks up, shaken and relieved at once. ‘Yeah, she is – I mean … I feel that way. About her.’  
  
Sunho looks away, hiding a smile. So, Eric – of all people! – has finally awakened his soulmate bond. Quite late in his life, but Sunho knows from the visions he sees at night that that is entirely possible. In some of his visions, he sees lives where he himself still remains oblivious to his soulmate, only feeling that sense of emptiness within him.  
  
In some of those lives, it is the other boy – Choongjae – who has not awakened his bond yet.  
  
At least now, in this life, he no longer has to agonise over that, Sunho thinks to himself as his eyes fall on Choongjae. He is standing several feet away, deep in conversation with Minwoo and the host of their show.  
  
He drinks in Choongjae’s side profile with an adoring smile, feeling warmth coursing through him. He longs more than ever for his soulmate now, with his heart and body, but the painful ache from before, when Choongjae had been ignorant of their bond, has finally dissipated.  
  
At least the longing he feels now, despite how powerful and overwhelming it is, does not leave him raw and wounded.  
  
Eric chuckles weakly, jerking Sunho back to the present. ‘God, I’m going nuts here. This is crazy…’  
  
Sunho sees Choongjae turn around. Their eyes meet for a moment – an eternity – before Choongjae turns back to Minwoo again, his cheeks colouring.  
  
‘No, it’s not,’ Sunho answers Eric quietly, without looking away. ‘It’s really not.’  
  
‘She … I don’t think she … feels the same way about me.’ The word _yet_ is so profound that Sunho can almost hear it in the silence that follows.  
  
‘…She will, hyung. I don’t know when, but she definitely will recognise you someday.’  
  
If Eric finds his choice of words strange, he does not comment.  
  


~***~  
  


About four weeks after Choongjae's self-revelation, Sunho finally receives a text from him.  
  
It is short; a simple invitation to Choongjae's place on the first Saturday they get off after their Venus promotions.  
  
The wording of the message is friendly and casual - so casual with the airy 'Let's hang out' and 'I'll be home after seven’ that Sunho wonders for how long Choongjae had struggled with it before deeming it acceptable. Sunho himself pours over the text for a long time, his guts knotted up with nervousness while butterflies of anticipation flutter all over them.  
  
Saturday dawns too fast and not fast enough.  
  
Sunho is so nervous by the time he is in front of Choongjae’s apartment that he wastes five whole minutes just fidgeting in front of the door. He checks his hair in his phone’s reflection thrice, agonises over the choice of beer he had bought (champagne or wine had seemed too much and soju seemed not enough) and anxiously wonders if he should have brought over more than just alcohol.  
  
He even wonders if his all-black ensemble of tight shirt, even tighter jeans and long coat is too … Black? Flashy?  
  
Sensual?  
  
It would be a lie to say that had not been his intention – conscious or not – when he had (uncharacteristically) taken over an hour to get dressed.  
  
One thing he is assured of is that he looks good either way. Though, in all honesty, he is always better dressed in comparison to Choongjae and his fashion terrorist tendencies.  
  
Sunho has to back paddle on that thought when he finally gets the courage to knock and Choongjae opens the door.  
  
He almost stops breathing as he takes in the vision of Choongjae standing in the doorway. Dressed in a white button-down shirt, half tucked into slim fitting black trousers, with the long sleeves rolled up to his elbows, Choongjae looks…  
  
He looks absolutely…  
  
Sunho swallows a little, far too tempted to act on his carnal instincts and equally aware that it is about the most inappropriate thing he can do at the moment.  
  
Choongjae has his hair done as well, he notes belatedly as he shamelessly eyes the straightened strands of dark hair flopping into Choongjae’s eyes –  
  
_Oh._ Sunho catches his breath, realising he is not the only one openly staring. Suddenly he is very glad that he took all that time and trouble to get ready for this visit.  
  
Because Choongjae appears to have done the same – there is no way his clothes and hair have not been meticulously planned – and Sunho feels both flattered and slightly shy at the lengths his soulmate had gone to.  
  
‘Hey,’ Choongjae says at long last. He is not quite smiling, but that is irrelevant in light of how he is looking at Sunho.  
  
Looking at his soulmate.  
  
‘Hey,’ Sunho returns softly. He holds up the six pack. ‘I brought beer.’  
  
Choongjae barely glances at it and Sunho feels hot around the collar. Is this how he has been secretly looking at Choongjae for all of these years? He had never quite appreciated before how intense that look is.  
  
‘Are you going to invite me in?’ He finally prompts when Choongjae shows no signs of doing anything else any time soon.  
  
Recovering his senses, Choongjae reddens slightly and hastily steps back, allowing Sunho inside and taking the six pack from him. Sunho toes off his shoes and shrugs out of his coat to hang it up, self-consciously aware of how Choongjae’s eyes follow his every movement.  
  
Choongjae leads Sunho through his apartment to the living room. He is barefoot, Sunho notices suddenly, inexplicably charmed by that little detail.  
  
The nervousness from before comes rushing back when Choongjae indicates for Sunho to sit down. He hesitantly takes a seat on one end of the large leather sofa in the living room and Choongjae sits in the armchair diagonally across from it, facing him.  
  
Sunho looks at Choongjae, at the unreadable expression he is wearing, and waits for him to gather his thoughts.  
  
The ice-breaker is atypical of Choongjae, direct and straight to the point:  
  
‘You’re my soulmate,’ he states. His voice is low, filled with the conviction of speaking an absolute truth, and yet tinged with incredulity at the existence of such a truth.  
  
‘And you’re mine,’ replies Sunho simply.  
  
Choongjae gazes at him, like he is seeking answers to the universe in Sunho’s eyes.  
  
‘How long have you known?’  
  
Sunho falters for a second. ‘I felt it from the first moment I saw you.’  
  
Choongjae’s lips part in a soft gasp and he leans back in shock. ‘Since … you … you’ve known for the past - _twenty years_?’  
  
Sunho has never seen Choongjae look so horrified. ‘Choongjae-yah…’  
  
‘You’ve been living with this – this … _feeling_ for twenty years?’ Choongjae chokes, his voice breaking over the last few words. ‘How … how could you even bear it…?’  
  
Sunho cannot answer, staring at Choongjae whose eyes are dry but filled with so much distress and guilt that it is almost tangible across the few feet separating them.  
  
Taking a breath, he says gently, light-heartedly, trying to offer comfort with a touch of humour, ‘This is only our fourteenth anniversary, remember? It hasn’t been –’  
  
Choongjae shakes his head in anguish. ‘You said you knew from when we first met,’ he breathes, clenching his hands in his lap. ‘That was more than sixteen or seventeen …’ Trailing off, he buries his face in his palms. ‘Oh, fuck…’  
  
‘Choongjae…’ whispers Sunho helplessly.  
  
‘All that time, you … but, do you know when it started for me?’ He looks up, his eyes red but still dry. ‘Four years ago. After that farewell. When you kissed me.’  
  
Sunho straightens, hardly believing his ears.  
  
‘You weren’t drunk.’ It is a statement.  
  
‘I wasn’t,’ Sunho admits quietly.  
  
‘That’s when I first started … _feeling_ it. When you kissed me, it was like … like I was drawn to you, like we were both – both …’  
  
‘I know…’ Sunho understands how hard it is to explain, even to one’s own self, what the soulmate bond feels like.  
  
‘I couldn’t even sleep. You were all I could think about,’ Choongjae continues breathlessly. ‘I knew it wasn’t something normal, it wasn’t a sudden crush. I knew it was so much more than that, but I didn’t know what it was.’  
  
He pauses, swallowing. ‘And then the very next day, our hiatus began and I didn’t see you for four years, but … every single day, every moment of it, I felt that – that _thing_. It was so strong, even though you weren’t even there. And …’ His voice wavers a little, ‘every night –’  
  
‘You saw visions,’ Sunho finished for him quietly. ‘Of us. Our other lives. Other worlds.’  
  
Choongjae looks at him with mixed desperation and relief. ‘You – you see them, too?’  
  
‘I’ve been seeing them almost every night ever since we met,’ Sunho admits. His heart wrenches as Choongjae’s face falls again. ‘I was feeling that pull to you and saw the visions for months before I actually knew what we are.’  
  
‘I didn’t know for the past four years,’ Choongjae murmurs. ‘I only felt the bond and saw the visions … Until last month - after the show, in the waiting room, you kissed me again.’ He inhales deeply. ‘And just like that, I knew. The answer was right there…  
  
‘Which is why I can’t believe …’ Choongjae drags a hand slowly over his face, looking agitated. ‘I could barely handle what I was feeling for these past few years, I thought I’d lose my mind. But now I find that you … you had to live with it for nearly two decades! How could … God, how could’ve I not seen –?’  
  
‘Hey. Stop that.’ Reaching over, Sunho grasps Choongjae’s right arm.  
  
Choongjae gazes at Sunho’s hand for a moment, then runs his fingers over Sunho’s in a lingering caress bespeaking their mutual desire for their soulmate’s touch.  
  
‘Look at me,’ Sunho adds more firmly and Choongjae raises his head, remorse written all over his face.  
  
‘You’ve seen the visions. You’ve seen our other lives. You know our bond doesn’t always awaken early or at the same time. We haven’t even met in some of them…’  
  
‘I know...’  
  
‘So you know our life here is not your fault, too. We can’t help when or how our bond comes alive. It’s no one’s fault.’  
  
Choongjae swallows. ‘You were hurting … for so long. And I didn’t even know.’  
  
‘Didn’t you hear me?’ Sunho tugs on Choongjae’s arm, pulling him forward so that he is leaning towards Sunho on the armchair. ‘Just stop.’  
  
‘How could you bear it for all this time?’ Choongjae whispers, sounding almost broken.  
  
‘…Because I knew I’d always wait for you, no matter how long it took. Even if it meant waiting a lifetime. I would’ve waited.’  
  
There are tears in Choongjae’s eyes now and, Sunho realises, even in his own.  
  
It is then Sunho notices how close he has pulled Choongjae. He is on the very edge of the armchair now and he is looking at Sunho with everything Sunho has ever yearned for.  
  
And now, having laid everything bare between them, it hits home that he has finally reached the moment he has been dreaming of for so long. All his desires and longing spark into flames under his skin, overwhelming.  
  
Dropping the other’s arm, his stands up slowly. Choongjae follows, looking at him with concern.  
  
‘Sunho...?’  
  
‘Do you still need more time to think?’ Sunho asks very quietly.  
  
It takes a moment for Choongjae to comprehend his meaning. His jaw slackens.  
  
‘No.’  
  
‘Then … can I kiss you?’  
  
The affirmation has barely crossed Choongjae’s lips before Sunho closes the distance between them.  
  
If he had thought his first kiss with Choongjae had been pure bliss, then this – this is what perfection feels like.  
  
Their bond comes alive, singing and resonating between them, and Sunho feels the universe stretch and bend around them, cocooning them in its heavenly arms. Everything he had felt before comes back ten times stronger. The swirling stars and lights around them, the fulfilment of his very soul, and how their beings seem to merge together, finally becoming one and whole – Sunho has never felt it all as vividly as he does now.  
  
Choongjae tastes like the kaleidoscope of contrasts and parallels Sunho remembers from four years ago. Like everything and nothing, salvation and destruction, light and darkness – his kiss embodies exactly what he is: Sunho’s other half which completes him, and without which his soul is empty.  
  
He tastes like home.  
  
Sunho shudders into the kiss, barely able to keep up with the overpowering feelings within him. He is aware of Choongjae lightly trembling in his arms, possibly feeling the full brunt of their souls completing each other for the very first time, and he gasps against Sunho’s lips from the intensity of the moment.  
  
Sunho wraps his arms tighter around Choongjae’s middle, crushing him against his body to both soothe and please, and it still is not close enough.  
  
Kissing Choongjae is entirely different from their first time, now that he is reciprocating Sunho’s every touch with the same ardour. His hands are in Sunho’s hair, cupping his face, searing his very skin down to his soul. His lips are soft and warm like Sunho remembers, but no longer pliant as he nips at Sunho’s lips, rough but not painful. With a groan of pleasure, Sunho swipes his tongue across Choongjae’s upper lip and he follows it up immediately, deepening the kiss.  
  
Choongjae finally pulls back slightly, making a low sound at the back of his throat when Sunho scrapes his teeth over his tongue before letting him go. He is breathing hard, eyes closed in pleasure and is such a vision that Sunho cannot help but touch him again, swearing under his breath,  
  
‘Fuck.’ And then his lips are on Choongjae’s again before moving to mouth at his jawbone.  
  
‘Right now? Really?’ Choongjae jokes with a breathless chuckle, burying his fingers in Sunho’s hair as Sunho slowly kisses down his neck, savouring every inch of his skin.  
  
‘You have no idea,’ he murmurs, pausing to pull down the collar of Choongjae’s white shirt to expose the junction of his neck and shoulder. He bites down lightly, and Choongjae shivers. ‘…how long I’ve wanted you. How _much_ I’ve wanted…’  
  
Choongjae hums and turns his head to kiss Sunho on his temple and then the shell of his ear. ‘Only for my body? Tsk, I’m disappointed.’  
  
Sunho cannot help but chuckle. Hearing Choongjae joke like his usual self, even at moments like this, is reassuring. At least it shows that his guilt from earlier has abated somewhat.  
  
‘Hey, after being in love with you for half of my life, I think I’m entitled to desire you a little,’ he teases, hoping Choongjae does not take his words wrong.  
  
Choongjae stills. ‘…Say that again. That … first part…’  
  
‘You heard me.’ Sunho smiles gently at him. ‘It’s the truth.’ He pauses, a sudden thought occurring to him. ‘Did I make you uncomfortable, saying that? Is it too soon?’  
  
Choongjae laughs weakly, his eyes ablaze with a myriad of emotions Sunho cannot make out. ‘Hell, no.’ Smile wavering, he adds in a lower tone, ‘After nearly twenty years, I don’t think _too soon_ applies.’  
  
There is a small tremor to his hand as he runs his knuckles down Sunho’s cheek, and then the tips of fingers over his lips.  
  
‘All these years,’ Choongjae whispers, ‘I was searching and searching for one thing, and I never realised it had been standing right in front of me the whole time. Just waiting for me to look…’  
  
Sunho takes Choongjae’s hand still resting on his lips, and intertwines their fingers together.  
  
‘I think we can rectify that starting now.’  
  
Moving to kiss Choongjae again, Sunho reaches to pull free his half-tucked shirt from his black trousers.  
  
‘This was on purpose, wasn’t it?’ he asks, drawing away to grin at Choongjae. ‘This half-assed shirt tucking.’  
  
Choongjae scratches the back of his head. ‘I called my stylist in for a favour. She gave me some pointers.’  
  
‘Your whole outfit, you mean,’ Sunho laughs.  
  
‘And my hair,’ Choongjae chuckles. ‘I promised her a free meal in exchange.’  
  
‘But what was up with this?’ Sunho persists, tugging at the freed hem of Choongjae’s shirt.  
  
‘Well, I didn’t want to look too formal…’  
  
Sunho bursts out laughing. ‘You’re ridiculous,’ he tells him fondly, hooking a finger over the lapel of Choongjae’s shirt to pull him in for another kiss.  
  
‘You liked it,’ Choongjae mumbles against his mouth. He returns the kiss for a moment, and then he adds, ‘You got all dressed up, too.’  
  
‘Mm.’ Sunho sucks lightly at Choongjae’s lower lip, shutting him up for several seconds. ‘And the look on your face was worth every goddamn minute I spent.’  
  
‘You’ll be the death of me,’ Choongjae groans as Sunho, still kissing every bit of him he can reach, begins to lightly push him backwards in the direction he vaguely recalls as the way to Choongjae’s bedroom.  
  
‘That might be true after I’m done with everything I’ve dreamed of doing to you.’  
  
Choongjae actually blushes at the implication.  
  
Before he can respond, Sunho catches sight of the bedroom at last and hastily guides them both through the open door. Without further ado, he unceremoniously pushes Choongjae down onto the bed.  
  
‘Whoa,’ Choongjae gasps as Sunho straddles him and grasps his wrists, pinning his hands down.  
  
‘I always knew you had this bold side to you,’ he murmurs, exhaling shakily as Sunho drags his tongue sensually up his neck. ‘I just never thought I’d get to see i –’ His breath hitches when Sunho nips at his pulse point.  
  
‘You weren’t kidding,’ he says breathily. ‘Before.’  
  
‘Of course not.’ Sunho pulls up to hover over him, his eyes intense and feverish. ‘I’ve been dying for you and dreaming of this moment my whole life.’  
  
Choongjae swallows. ‘…Show me.’  
  
‘What?’ Sunho deliberately ghosts his lips over Choongjae’s, teasing.  
  
‘Everything you’ve been dreaming about me…’  
  
Sunho chuckles low in his throat. ‘Sixteen, seventeen years is a very long time, you know. Enough to breed endless fantasies…’  
  
Choongjae grins lopsidedly at him, still flushed. ‘Well, I’ve got time…’  
  
And freeing a hand, he grabs Sunho by his shirt front and yanks him down for a proper kiss.  
  


~***~  
  


The next morning dawns radiant and golden, like an echo of how Sunho feels the moment he opens his eyes.  
  
The first thing he sees is Choongjae, all bed hair and scrunched face in the sunlight streaming in through the windows, and he spends several minutes just watching him sleep with a tiny smile as he absorbs how this man – his soulmate – is finally his.  
  
Sunho can feel a cacophony of emotions – bliss, awe, ecstasy, incredulity – simmering inside him, but layered over all those for now is just a sense of pure serenity.  
  
He has never been at such peace as he is right now.  
  
The rumbling of his stomach is what finally calls him away from the bed. He is reminded that neither he nor Choongjae had eaten anything the night before.  
  
Well, not food anyway, he thinks, blushing a little.  
  
With a caress to Choongjae’s face, Sunho slips off the bed and winces a little at the soreness of his body. Smiling in spite of himself, Sunho snatches up his black jeans from where he had dropped them on the floor and pulls them on. He spots one of Choongjae’s oversized hoodies carelessly draped over the back of a chair and puts that on, too. Just because he can.  
  
He enters Choongjae’s kitchen after his morning ablutions, without much hope of finding food there. He – and all of Shinhwa – has first-hand knowledge of Choongjae’s cooking abilities (or lack thereof), but Sunho is pleasantly surprised to find eggs in the refrigerator. There is a bunch of processed foods in there as well, but eggs at least promise a sufficient breakfast.  
  
Sunho has just taken the last eggroll off the stove when Choongjae emerges from the room, washed and dressed too. He smiles albeit a little shyly as he enters the kitchen, and then raises his eyebrows at the plate of eggrolls Sunho places on the counter.  
  
‘Seriously? You’re making breakfast?’ He asks with a chuckle as he approaches.  
  
‘Doesn’t last night morally obligate me to feed you breakfast this morning?’ Sunho cannot help saying, hiding a smile behind a mug of coffee as he leans back against the counter.  
  
Choongjae laughs, but the blood rush to his cheeks is obvious. Sunho finds that he really likes this side of Choongjae. The one who is still laidback, but exhibits an undoubted hint of shyness around him. Sunho likes it very much.  
  
Holding out a second mug to Choongjae, Sunho adds with a playful scoff, ‘Don’t flatter yourself too much. This is for my health; I always eat on time.’  
  
‘Whatever you say.’ Choongjae cheerfully accepts the mug and takes a sip of coffee, sighing with relief. ‘Mm, this tastes good. Coffee is like the universal cure to everything. Ugh, I’m sore all over.’  
  
He realises a little belatedly what he has just said and almost chokes on his second sip. Sunho ducks his head, grinning broadly despite the heat around his collar.  
  
‘You’re welcome.’  
  
‘Shut up.’ Choongjae snorts, pushing aside his embarrassment. Taking another gulp of coffee, he steps close to Sunho, looking down at his face with a level of adoration that, not for the first time, takes Sunho’s breath away.  
  
‘Morning,’ he murmurs, reaching down to brush a soft kiss to Sunho’s lips. Leaning back, he notices what Sunho is wearing for the first time.  
  
‘That’s mine.’ Choongjae tugs lightly on the hem of the grey hoodie.  
  
‘Which makes it mine by default now,’ Sunho grins.  
  
‘You’re unbelievable,’ Choongjae chuckles.  
  
Sunho shrugs. ‘Believe it or not, like it or not, you’re stuck with me forever.’ With a wicked smirk, he pushes off the counter and presses up against Choongjae, winding his free arm around him. ‘I’m not giving you a way out.’  
  
Choongjae laughs harder. ‘Oh, no, what have I gotten myself into,’ he laments dramatically, dropping his head forward to rest their foreheads together.  
  
They stay like that for several seconds, before Choongjae loses his smile, suddenly looking pensive.  
  
Sunho tilts his head up, frowning. ‘What are you thinking about?’  
  
‘Just that … what are we going to do about the future?’  
  
‘Huh?’  
  
‘You’re right that we’re going to be together. But what does that mean for our lives? Shinhwa?’  
  
Sunho ponders for a long moment, reaching behind him to place his coffee mug on the counter. He is well aware of the potential complications they may have to face.  
  
‘We can never go public with this,’ he says at last. ‘We have to be careful.’  
  
‘Yeah, I figured,’ Choongjae murmurs.  
  
‘But with Shinhwa … I think we can tell the hyungs later. When we’re ready.’  
  
‘Are you sure? I mean, I do want to. I don’t want to hide something so big from them, and I know they’d never hate us, but …’ He looks worried. ‘Do you think they’d actually understand?’  
  
Sunho thinks back to what Eric had said about the girl he found; how he can never feel the same way about anyone else, because she is – though he had not said in as many words – his soulmate.  
  
‘I think they will.’ Sunho smiles at Choongjae, touching his face. ‘They will trust us, at the very least. And that’s all that matters.’  
  
Choongjae finally smiles back and reaches up to cover Sunho’s hand cupping his cheek. When he continues to stare, not saying anything else, Sunho says with a little chuckle,  
  
‘You’re thinking again, aren’t you?’  
  
‘It’s a kind of hard to forget topic.’  
  
‘What is?’  
  
‘I can’t stop thinking about …’ Choongjae takes a deep breath. ‘I still feel horrible, thinking about how I wasted two decades of our lives. We could’ve been together. It’s not fair…’ He closes his eyes, gripping Sunho’s hand tight.  
  
Sunho does not berate him for feeling pointlessly guilty this time. Just like how he cannot help feeling bitter about the loneliness of his past, he can understand that Choongjae cannot help feeling bitter about the loss of time that can never be recovered. Time that could have spelt happiness for them both.  
  
The only thing left is to heal and move on, to embrace the long-delayed happiness they now have found in each other.  
  
‘Yah, stop saying two decades. It hasn’t been that long, or are you that eager to hit your forties?’ Sunho says with gentle good humour. ‘Well, hate to break it to you, but we’ve got a few good years ahead of us before that.’ He pauses. ‘Can’t say the same for the hyungs, though.’  
  
That prompts a laugh out of Choongjae. ‘Don’t let them hear you say that.’ Mellowing a little, he adds softly, ‘I can’t help wanting the time we’ve lost, though. Half of our lives together, just gone…’  
  
‘I know. But…’ Sunho takes the half-empty mug of coffee from Choongjae, places it on the counter, and then pulls him flush against him. ‘We have the rest of our lives to make up for it, don’t we … In fact, let’s start now.’  
  
He kisses Choongjae full on the mouth, muffling any responses or protests, and promptly begins to lead him back to his room, much like the previous night.  
  
‘What about the eggs you just made?’ Choongjae mock-protests with a breathless laugh as they tumble onto his bed.  
  
‘I’m hungry for something else now,’ Sunho chuckles against his lips.  
  
‘Oh my, I’m scandalised.’  
  
‘Are you complaining?’  
  
Choongjae abruptly rolls them over so that he is on top of Sunho, gazing down at him with a feral smile.  
  
‘Not at all.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with 90% of my work, this turned out to be pretty emotional. But I hope the fluff towards the end made up for it? xD I'd love to hear your thoughts on the fic!


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